It's the oldest story in the world. It's all been said before, by others, by writers, by poets, by gypsies, tramps and thieves.

"I try to believe," she said, "that God doesn't give you more than one little piece of the story at once. You know, the story of your life. Otherwise your heart would crack wider than you could handle. He only cracks it enough so you can still walk, like someone wearing a cast. But you've still got a crack running up your side, big enough for a sapling to grow out of. Only no one sees it. Nobody sees it. Everybody thinks you're one whole piece, and so they treat you maybe not so gentle as they would if they could see that crack."

I so wish we could talk about these things openly. I really did believe...that we would talk about everything honestly, but the opposite has occurred: We're like two people on separate islands, with only tin cans and string as a means of communication.

When I'm with him I don't feel...significant. I want to be everything to him. I want to be essential. I want him to be unable to live without me, but how can I be these things if he won't let me?

If you detect even an inkling of happiness, a tiny glimpse of love, a mere hint of contentment, for heaven's sake grab it and don't let go. Don't ever think twice.

Perhaps head-over-heels in love is an option only available to teenagers, and other people who are fortunate enough never to have had their hearts broken and hardened.

Even if we did see this through, I can't tell you that just because we've met again we're going to be a happy ending and rush off into the sunset. It would mean starting from scratch and seeing how it goes.

You're a cynical, exploitive, mean-hearted creep who wouldn't know real love if it bit him in the armpit.

Look, I guarantee there'll be tough times. I guarantee that at some point, one or both of us is gonna want to get out of this thing. But I also guarantee that if I don't ask you to be mine, I'll regret it for the rest of my life, because I know, in my heart, you're the only one for me.

"Stay with you? What for? Look at us, we're already fighting!"
"Well that's what we do, we fight... You tell me when I am being an arrogant son of a bitch and I tell you when you are a pain in the ass. Which you are, 99% of the time. I'm not afraid to hurt your feelings. You have like a 2 second rebound rate, then you're back doing the next pain-in-the-ass thing."
"So what?"
"So it's not gonna be easy. It's gonna be really hard. We're gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, for ever, you and me, every day. Will you do something for me, please? Just picture your life for me? 30 years from now, 40 years from now? What's it look like? If it's with him, go. Go! I lost you once, I think I can do it again. If I thought that's what you really wanted. But don't you take the easy way out."
"What easy way? There is no easy way, no matter what I do, somebody gets hurt."
"Would you stop thinking about what everyone wants? Stop thinking about what I want, what he wants, what your parents want. What do YOU want? What do you WANT?"

...

I hate the way you talk to me, and the way you cut your hair.
I hate the way you drive my car, I hate it when you stare.
I hate your big dumb combat boots and the way you read my mind.
I hate you so much it makes me sick, it even makes me rhyme.
I hate the way you’re always right, I hate it when you lie.
I hate it when you make me laugh, even worse when you make me cry.
I hate it when you’re not around, and the fact that you didn’t call.
But mostly I hate the way I don’t hate you,
not even close
not even a little bit
not even at all.

Wow

That was unexpectedly harsh, hurtful and hateful.

Untitled

So... its been slightly over a month. And its still hard. In fact I think its getting harder instead of easier. And I don't know what to do about that. And I haven't been able to reconcile the reasons I did it with the reasons I shouldn't have. Brain says one thing, heart says another. Its a little like trying to balance your checkbook when you have the sneaking suspicion that you made quite a few purchases that you forgot to write down and didn't keep the receipt.

I switched purses today - decided to use one I used last summer just cuz its cool red patent leather. Found a seashell in it from the trip to Florida. Sorta lost it.

Found the shirt I bought in Kona that was meant to be a gift. A gift I never got the chance to give. Sorta lost it again.

Random flashbacks arrive uninvited. Yeah, they make me lose it too.

Trying not to look at pictures. Been mostly successful with that... but I can't control what gets played on the radio, or what other people unknowingly say... that really sets me back.

Talked to a mutual friend today. He had bad news that made me feel like ralphing. What can I do about that?

Taylor Swift says, "Cause when you're fifteen and someone tells you they love you, you're gonna believe them". Well you're gonna believe it when you're 35 (oops I mean 29) too. Its something we crave so we want to believe it.

What am I supposed to do? What will make it better? What will help?

Does it matter?

I recognize these are all incredibly disjointed thoughts. I don't care.

I have a wonderful group of friends that are trying their hardest to help me... letting me know I am still loved, I'm still important, and I'm still worth it... somehow...

Would it matter to you if I said I can't sleep, I can't eat, and I can't stop obsessing over it? If I told you I can't live without you would it matter? It didn't matter when I was yours, would it matter now? Does it make a difference to tell you that you were my everything, that I accepted the crumbs you gave me because it was better than nothing? If I said I've always known you were the one would it make a grain of difference? If I said I miss you so much its like being kicked in the stomach, would that mean anything to you?

But if I called what would I say? "Oh hai, remember me?"

Time heals all wounds... I just need more time?

I don't know.

Its very hard. I cry. I think about nothing else.

What do you think about?

Stages

1. denial
2. depression
3. anger
4. acceptance

The Like Factor

So since I’m not your everything
How about I be nothing
Nothing to you at all

--- Beyonce

It occurs to me that 95% percent of relationship problems are caused by the two parties not having the same degree of regard for each other. No really, think about it. She wants him to talk to her like a girlfriend and is hurt that he won’t. He wants to watch the game and is upset that she doesn’t respect that. See? They’re focused on their own wants and not so much on each others. And that’s in relationships that “work”.

Relationships that don’t “work” have the same problem but to a more extreme degree. One person likes the other more. I’ve put hours of research (okay I’ve just been obsessing about it mentally for the last two months or so, but still) into the topic and I’ve boiled it down to that simple statement. People break up because one person didn’t like the other one as much. Think about what goes along with that – the non-liker stops calling, stops coming around, stops talking to the liker… the liker gets hurt, tries harder – the non-liker gets annoyed (because remember, they don’t like the liker as much as the liker likes them) and becomes more scarce. Maybe even finds someone else to like. Oh this shit is hard.

Those of you that know me personally know that I’m having a rather traumatic break up at the moment. And there are many issues, millions of things that led to it. Opposing personalities, different backgrounds and points of view, different priorities. Miscommunications and missed chances and “if onlys” and OMGWTF else. But I can still boil it down to that much. He didn’t like me as much as I like him. Oh, I tried. Head over heels crazy about this one. He's smart, funny, sexy, kind to children and animals, holds down a good job that he is well respected at and generally looks like an excellent catch on paper.

But he didn’t like me as much as I like him. He didn’t want to be together at every chance. He didn’t want to talk for hours on the phone (though in his defense – I understand that about some people. I don’t necessarily like to either. I don’t have that much to say). But in my defense – part of what I fell in love with about him was that he wanted to talk to me all the time. I didn’t understand why that went away. I didn’t understand why I would drive across town twice a week to his house but it was too far for him to drive to mine. I didn’t understand why it was so hard for him to tell girls flirting with him that he had a girlfriend and she was being disrespectful to that. Well the answer is that he just didn’t like me as much as I like him.

Where the hell is the line between trying to make it work and being a doormat?

Yanno what really chaps my hide? I’m rarely the liker. I value my independence. I don’t like being expected to be somewhere. I don’t like being “owned” or controlled, or expected to give up time with my friends. This time I was ready and willing to do the right “girlfriend” things, devote my time to him alone, turn a blind eye and a deaf ear to other males. Maybe this is Karma’s way of telling me to get down off my high horse. That I ain’t all that and I need to learn to be kinder to people. Or maybe there was something else I could have done to make it work. Or not done. Or…?

Or maybe I just made an error in judgment.

I know I’m not so good at the relationship thing. But I tried.

Who the hell knows. All I know for sure is that this shit sucks.