Thursday, February 25, 2010

Stages

1. denial
2. depression
3. anger
4. acceptance

Tuesday, February 09, 2010

The Like Factor

So since I’m not your everything
How about I be nothing
Nothing to you at all
--- Beyonce


It occurs to me that 95% percent of relationship problems are caused by the two parties not having the same degree of regard for each other. No really, think about it. She wants him to talk to her like a girlfriend and is hurt that he won’t. He wants to watch the game and is upset that she doesn’t respect that. See? They’re focused on their own wants and not so much on each others. And that’s in relationships that “work”.

Relationships that don’t “work” have the same problem but to a more extreme degree. One person likes the other more. I’ve put hours of research (okay I’ve just been obsessing about it mentally for the last two months or so, but still) into the topic and I’ve boiled it down to that simple statement. People break up because one person didn’t like the other one as much. Think about what goes along with that – the non-liker stops calling, stops coming around, stops talking to the liker… the liker gets hurt, tries harder – the non-liker gets annoyed (because remember, they don’t like the liker as much as the liker likes them) and becomes more scarce. Maybe even finds someone else to like. Oh this shit is hard.

Those of you that know me personally know that I’m having a rather traumatic break up at the moment. And there are many issues, millions of things that led to it. Opposing personalities, different backgrounds and points of view, different priorities. Miscommunications and missed chances and “if onlys” and OMGWTF else. But I can still boil it down to that much. He didn’t like me as much as I like him. Oh, I tried. Head over heels crazy about this one. He's smart, funny, sexy, kind to children and animals, holds down a good job that he is well respected at and generally looks like an excellent catch on paper.

But he didn’t like me as much as I like him. He didn’t want to be together at every chance. He didn’t want to talk for hours on the phone (though in his defense – I understand that about some people. I don’t necessarily like to either. I don’t have that much to say). But in my defense – part of what I fell in love with about him was that he wanted to talk to me all the time. I didn’t understand why that went away. I didn’t understand why I would drive across town twice a week to his house but it was too far for him to drive to mine. I didn’t understand why it was so hard for him to tell girls flirting with him that he had a girlfriend and she was being disrespectful to that. Well the answer is that he just didn’t like me as much as I like him.

Where the hell is the line between trying to make it work and being a doormat?

Yanno what really chaps my hide? I’m rarely the liker. I value my independence. I don’t like being expected to be somewhere. I don’t like being “owned” or controlled, or expected to give up time with my friends. This time I was ready and willing to do the right “girlfriend” things, devote my time to him alone, turn a blind eye and a deaf ear to other males. Maybe this is Karma’s way of telling me to get down off my high horse. That I ain’t all that and I need to learn to be kinder to people. Or maybe there was something else I could have done to make it work. Or not done. Or…?

Or maybe I just made an error in judgment.

I know I’m not so good at the relationship thing. But I tried.

Who the hell knows. All I know for sure is that this shit sucks.