Girly Man

I have to admit that growing up with only brothers and no sisters made me an odd amalgamation of feminine and masculine. For instance, I still loved Barbie, but since my brothers obviously would never play dolls with me I learned to appreciate and love things like comic books, Legos, Dungeons & Dragons and computers much more than my girlfriends (and worked hard to hide my affection for such “non-cool” things during my adolescence).

I spent hours entering code into a DOS IBM computer in order to be able to play a game for twenty minutes.

I spent hours learning how to play D&D before actually falling asleep at the table (in my defense, I was nine and it was midnight).

I watched (and LOVED) endless hours of Star Trek, Star Wars and Battlestar Galactica. As well as read tons of the accompanying “extended universe” books of all three.

I spent days during the summer reading a two-foot tall pile of comic books. And like other kids, my mother ripped apart more than a few trying to get me off the couch to do something.

But on the other hand, having two brothers pretty much ensured I never had to do a lot of masculine chores. I never mowed a lawn until I was 23. I barely know how to use a screwdriver and I’m not sure I know the difference between a wrench and a pair of pliers. Tape measures make me feel like I'm about to lose a finger. I’ve never painted a room (though as a kid I sure wanted to), and I’ve never ever ever operated power tools (though I can wield a mean sledge hammer).

But this week I am doing some major redecorating at home, and I am SO PROUD!! I’m moving the kids’ bedrooms around and it has been a major project, mostly owing the amount of CRAP they have collected over the years. Which sucks, but on the other hand its good that this is getting done because obviously a good thorough cleaning was necessary.

Today I moved Poo’s entire room, furniture and all, into the empty bedroom. I couldn’t move her bed through the doorway so I had to take it apart. I think the thing I used is a socket wrench. That sounds right, though I have no way of knowing if that’s what it is really called. But we’ll just go along with that for now.

My point is that I put the correct attachment on it, figured out how to use it (never mind got lucky that it was a tool that would actually work on what I needed it for) and not only loosened the bolts but also put them back where I found them after the move. I’m MANLY!

MACHO!

MASCULINE!

Today I’m oddly attracted to myself.

The Important Things That Get Settled Via IM

Mark: I've decided that the Smurfs were communist
Lisa: ...
Lisa: the Smurfs are communist??
Mark: yes
Lisa: well I guess I have to agree that they do live in a commune
Mark: they all worked together for a common goal
Mark: Papa Smurf was the leader and his hat was RED
Mark: and he had dictator-like facial hair
Lisa: oh, well if he had facial hair...
Mark: exactly
Mark: perhaps Gargamel represented capitalism...
Lisa: oh I knew that was coming
Lisa: of course he did. he wanted to catch the Smurfs to use them in a potion to make gold
Mark: see???

I Don't Shop at Wal-Mart. But if I Did I Would...

1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.
2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.
3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
4. Start a high-spirited game of dodgeball; see how many people I can get to join in.
5. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.
6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
7. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.
8. Re-dress the mannequins as I see fit.
9. Walk really slow when people are behind me, especially in narrow aisles.
10. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, “I think we’ve got a Code 3 in Housewares,” just to see what happens.
11. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to “10”.
12. Play with the automatic doors.
13. Walk up to complete strangers and say, “Hi! I haven’t seen you in so long!...” etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment.
14. While walking through the clothing department, ask myself loud enough for all to hear, “Who buys this crap, anyway?”
15. Repeat Number 14 in the jewelry department.
16. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claiming I'm taking it for a “test drive.”
17. Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet away until they leave the department.
18. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as the playing field.
19. As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, “Wow. Magic!”
20. Put M&M’s on layaway.
21. Move “Caution: Wet Floor” signs to carpeted areas.
22. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others I'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.
23. Test the fishing rods and see what I can “catch” from the other aisles.
24. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
25. Drape a blanket around my shoulders and run around saying, “...I’m Batman. Come, Robin—to the Batcave!”
26. TP as much of the store as possible.
27. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.
28. Play with the calculators so that they all spell “hello” (or "boobs") upside down.
29. Begin to cry when someone asks if I need help and ask, “Why won’t you people just leave me alone?”
30. Run between two or three people walking ahead of me yelling, “Red Rover!”
31. Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired employees if there are any in stock, i.e., “Do you have any Shnerples here?”
32. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.
33. Take bets on the battle described above.
34. Nonchalantly “test” the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.
35. Suddenly ask the clerk showing me a gun in the hunting department if he knows where the anti-depressants are, acting as spastic as possible.
36. Hold indoor shopping cart races.
37. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from Mission: Impossible.
38. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.
39. Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.
40. Say things like, “Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?”
41. Set up a “Valet Parking” sign in front of the store.
42. Two words: “Marco Polo.”
43. Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet food aisle, etc.
44. “Re-alphabetize” the CDs in Electronics.
45. In the auto department, practice my “Madonna” look with various funnels.
46. Quickly make off with someone's cart without saying a word when they step away to look at something.
47. Relax in the patio furniture.
48. Assume the fetal position and scream, “No, no! It’s those voices again!” when an announcement comes over the loudspeaker.
49. Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time.
50. Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If the store has a food court, I will buy a soft drink and explain that I don’t get out much and can they put a little umbrella in my drink?

Today's Moment of Zen