I Don't Shop at Wal-Mart. But if I Did I Would...

1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.
2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.
3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
4. Start a high-spirited game of dodgeball; see how many people I can get to join in.
5. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.
6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
7. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.
8. Re-dress the mannequins as I see fit.
9. Walk really slow when people are behind me, especially in narrow aisles.
10. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, “I think we’ve got a Code 3 in Housewares,” just to see what happens.
11. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to “10”.
12. Play with the automatic doors.
13. Walk up to complete strangers and say, “Hi! I haven’t seen you in so long!...” etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment.
14. While walking through the clothing department, ask myself loud enough for all to hear, “Who buys this crap, anyway?”
15. Repeat Number 14 in the jewelry department.
16. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claiming I'm taking it for a “test drive.”
17. Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet away until they leave the department.
18. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as the playing field.
19. As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, “Wow. Magic!”
20. Put M&M’s on layaway.
21. Move “Caution: Wet Floor” signs to carpeted areas.
22. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others I'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.
23. Test the fishing rods and see what I can “catch” from the other aisles.
24. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
25. Drape a blanket around my shoulders and run around saying, “...I’m Batman. Come, Robin—to the Batcave!”
26. TP as much of the store as possible.
27. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.
28. Play with the calculators so that they all spell “hello” (or "boobs") upside down.
29. Begin to cry when someone asks if I need help and ask, “Why won’t you people just leave me alone?”
30. Run between two or three people walking ahead of me yelling, “Red Rover!”
31. Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired employees if there are any in stock, i.e., “Do you have any Shnerples here?”
32. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.
33. Take bets on the battle described above.
34. Nonchalantly “test” the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.
35. Suddenly ask the clerk showing me a gun in the hunting department if he knows where the anti-depressants are, acting as spastic as possible.
36. Hold indoor shopping cart races.
37. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from Mission: Impossible.
38. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.
39. Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.
40. Say things like, “Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?”
41. Set up a “Valet Parking” sign in front of the store.
42. Two words: “Marco Polo.”
43. Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet food aisle, etc.
44. “Re-alphabetize” the CDs in Electronics.
45. In the auto department, practice my “Madonna” look with various funnels.
46. Quickly make off with someone's cart without saying a word when they step away to look at something.
47. Relax in the patio furniture.
48. Assume the fetal position and scream, “No, no! It’s those voices again!” when an announcement comes over the loudspeaker.
49. Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time.
50. Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If the store has a food court, I will buy a soft drink and explain that I don’t get out much and can they put a little umbrella in my drink?