123.5

Well.

I had hoped to post the next weight loss update when I broke the ever elusive 120 mark but now I am thinking that it might just not be meant to be. :( I have been stuck at 123.5 for a while and the stupid scale just REFUSES to move!! At least to move down. I fluctuate between 123.5 and 126.

WTF man.

Anyways, I do realize it is more about inches and fitness than whatever the scale says... muscle is heavier than fat.. blah blah blahty blah blah. So anyways... here are today's measurements. They are not bad by any stretch of the imagination, I just had a goal of 117 that I don't think is gonna happen.

May 31, 2007
Weight: 123.5
Bust: 32 (at least it hasn't shrunk any MORE!!)
Waist: 27
Hips: 36.5
Thigh Circumference: 20
Upper Arm circumference: 9 (it's apparently really hard to shrink these without surgery. At least they are redistributed some so it looks like muscle instead of BLOB)
Dress Size: 4

Give Snape a Chance

There is no question that Snape is a double agent but of course there is plenty of controversy regarding which side he is really batting for. I subscribe to the school of thought that Snape is really working for the Order of the Phoenix. He is very loyal to Dumbledore (which will be proven later), and killing Dumbledore was on Dumbledore’s orders. Recall the conversation Hagrid overheard between Snape and Dumbledore in the Forbidden Forest, wherein Snape complains that Dumbledore is taking too much for granted and maybe Snape just doesn’t “want to do it anymore”. Snape is in the enemy’s council so deeply that he has tough choices to make for the greater good. Think about the way undercover narcotics agents often end up with a drug habit after being in deep cover. And that’s exactly what Snape is in: deep cover, and all the dangers that come along with it.

1. Snape makes an Unbreakable Vow with Narcissa Malfoy. There was absolutely no way he was going to get out of making this in the presence of Bellatrix and Wormtail. Bellatrix is too jealous of Snape’s closeness to Voldy – first thing she would do is run to Voldy and tattle that Snape was unwilling to help Draco kill Dumbledore.

2. Snape is in anguish after killing Dumbledore. Harry notices it but does not interpret it correctly. Additionally, Snape screams at Harry, “DO NOT CALL ME A COWARD!!” because Snape just did the hardest thing he ever had to do.

3. Now for probably the most pragmatic argument: Dumbledore is the most powerful wizard on the planet. Do we really think Snape or anyone would be able to just off him at any time unless Dumbledore orchestrated it that way? Voldy couldn’t kill Dumbledore in the Ministry – how the heck could Snape?

And for the argument that Snape did not really kill Dumbledore/ Dumbledore is not dead:

1. Dumbledore mentions several times throughout the series that “there are worse things than death” and “to the well organized mind, death is but the next great adventure”. Dumbledore was not afraid of death in any way, which is important to understand so we can continue to see him as the antithesis of Voldy, who fears dying above anything else.

2. Literarily speaking, it is a necessity that Dumbledore must die. This is down in the rules of classical literature, which we know JKR studied. The hero’s mentor has to be displaced in someway, whether be through death, imprisonment or what have you. Dumbledore is the teacher, the great wizard, Harry’s Obi-Wan if you will. Harry can’t face his destiny if his mentor is still around. Harry even muses about this at Dumbledore’s funeral:

And Harry saw very clearly as he sat there in the hot sun how people who cared about him had stood in front of him one by one, his mother, his father, his godfather, and finally Dumbledore, all determined to protect him; but now that was over. He could not let anybody else stand between him and Voldemort…

Yes Dumbledore is dead, sadly. As JKR told fans at the “Harry, Carrie and Garp” event last year, we need to get our selves through the five stages of grief and move on – he is not going to “pull a Gandalf”. But Snape is not evil, nor is the explanation that Harry thinks he has about Snape’s conversion to Dumbledore’s side the whole story. This is another thing that JKR has done several times: we think we are getting an explanation but it’s not the whole thing… and we don’t learn that until later. Example: the night Harry got his scar is explained in each of the first five books. Each time we think we have learned what there is to know. We are still learning about what happened that night, and each time we get more information, we realize there is still more we don’t know. It is the same with the reason that Snape is working for good. In fact, JKR even tells us that Dumbledore struggled internally with telling Harry more than “Snape was sorry”, but of course Harry did not interpret it correctly again.

OMG I soooooo can’t wait for Deathly Hallows…..

Do Or Do Not

My yoga mat was still on the floor in the living room when Poo came home from school.

She says, "Were you doing Yoda today?"

/Blush

Oh I am so glad I did not fly off the handle this time. Which is something I usually do and then I am terribly embarrassed, not only for having created much more drama than necessary but also for showing my emotional hand.

The news I received last night (see previous post) was not as bad as first presumed. Still not rainbows and butterflies but.... marginally better. Not the major heartbreak I thought it was at first blush.

I feel better... if still taken aback by the intensity of my reaction to the news in the first place.

Hurt

"...and you could have it all, my empire of dirt. I will let you down, I will make you hurt.."

- "Hurt" written by Trent Reznor

I was given a bit of information last night that really floored me. The subject of this information is not important and I'm not going to go into it here. What I want to talk about is the effect that this news had on me. I have to say that I was completely and totally shocked.. SHOCKED!!! by the way I felt upon hearing it. This was something that I knew I cared about but I was astonished to find out HOW MUCH. My heart stopped beating and turned into lead, my head started buzzing and my stomach felt like it had just been kicked.

I heard this right before bedtime and I ended up laying in bed thinking about it for the next three hours. And crying. Which I try to never ever do but do anyway. I'm not really as tough as I'd like everyone to believe. Which means I'm tired and grumpy today with puffy eyes.

This morning I am thinking about how emotional pain manifests itself in a physical way. Like when you're a kid and you have a run-in with a bully. I remember one time in junior high, I was so scared of a girl that wanted to scrap that I threw up and had to go home. (But you may be interested to hear that when we finally did fight, I broke her thumb and wrist and I emerged without a scratch. ;) But I digress.)

Today I am suffering from a stomachache much like I would have if I had really been kicked there. My head is also pounding from going around and around in circles about why I shouldn't care so much about this but do anyway. I don't know what to do with this information and I am still reeling from the way I felt about hearing it. I don't want to feel that way. I hate feeling this way, like I'm completely out of control of my feelings, especially since there is nothing that will make this feeling go away.

Normal physical pain can be dealt with - hey, there's very little that four Ibuprofens can't handle, and for the worse things, there's prescriptions drugs, right? But I can't take anything for the pain that I am feeling right now and I so don't want it here with me.

I'm thinking about removing the source of the pain completely from my life. However, the source has also brought a lot of smiles and laughter to my life as well, and if it goes, so does the possibility of more of those smiles. But I'm having a hard time right now and I am so upset that I FEEL THIS WAY. Wouldn't it be so much easier not to care? I thought I had shit under control - boy oh boy was I wrong.