- "Hurt" written by Trent Reznor
I was given a bit of information last night that really floored me. The subject of this information is not important and I'm not going to go into it here. What I want to talk about is the effect that this news had on me. I have to say that I was completely and totally shocked.. SHOCKED!!! by the way I felt upon hearing it. This was something that I knew I cared about but I was astonished to find out HOW MUCH. My heart stopped beating and turned into lead, my head started buzzing and my stomach felt like it had just been kicked.
I heard this right before bedtime and I ended up laying in bed thinking about it for the next three hours. And crying. Which I try to never ever do but do anyway. I'm not really as tough as I'd like everyone to believe. Which means I'm tired and grumpy today with puffy eyes.
This morning I am thinking about how emotional pain manifests itself in a physical way. Like when you're a kid and you have a run-in with a bully. I remember one time in junior high, I was so scared of a girl that wanted to scrap that I threw up and had to go home. (But you may be interested to hear that when we finally did fight, I broke her thumb and wrist and I emerged without a scratch. ;) But I digress.)
Today I am suffering from a stomachache much like I would have if I had really been kicked there. My head is also pounding from going around and around in circles about why I shouldn't care so much about this but do anyway. I don't know what to do with this information and I am still reeling from the way I felt about hearing it. I don't want to feel that way. I hate feeling this way, like I'm completely out of control of my feelings, especially since there is nothing that will make this feeling go away.
Normal physical pain can be dealt with - hey, there's very little that four Ibuprofens can't handle, and for the worse things, there's prescriptions drugs, right? But I can't take anything for the pain that I am feeling right now and I so don't want it here with me.
I'm thinking about removing the source of the pain completely from my life. However, the source has also brought a lot of smiles and laughter to my life as well, and if it goes, so does the possibility of more of those smiles. But I'm having a hard time right now and I am so upset that I FEEL THIS WAY. Wouldn't it be so much easier not to care? I thought I had shit under control - boy oh boy was I wrong.
I was given a bit of information last night that really floored me. The subject of this information is not important and I'm not going to go into it here. What I want to talk about is the effect that this news had on me. I have to say that I was completely and totally shocked.. SHOCKED!!! by the way I felt upon hearing it. This was something that I knew I cared about but I was astonished to find out HOW MUCH. My heart stopped beating and turned into lead, my head started buzzing and my stomach felt like it had just been kicked.
I heard this right before bedtime and I ended up laying in bed thinking about it for the next three hours. And crying. Which I try to never ever do but do anyway. I'm not really as tough as I'd like everyone to believe. Which means I'm tired and grumpy today with puffy eyes.
This morning I am thinking about how emotional pain manifests itself in a physical way. Like when you're a kid and you have a run-in with a bully. I remember one time in junior high, I was so scared of a girl that wanted to scrap that I threw up and had to go home. (But you may be interested to hear that when we finally did fight, I broke her thumb and wrist and I emerged without a scratch. ;) But I digress.)
Today I am suffering from a stomachache much like I would have if I had really been kicked there. My head is also pounding from going around and around in circles about why I shouldn't care so much about this but do anyway. I don't know what to do with this information and I am still reeling from the way I felt about hearing it. I don't want to feel that way. I hate feeling this way, like I'm completely out of control of my feelings, especially since there is nothing that will make this feeling go away.
Normal physical pain can be dealt with - hey, there's very little that four Ibuprofens can't handle, and for the worse things, there's prescriptions drugs, right? But I can't take anything for the pain that I am feeling right now and I so don't want it here with me.
I'm thinking about removing the source of the pain completely from my life. However, the source has also brought a lot of smiles and laughter to my life as well, and if it goes, so does the possibility of more of those smiles. But I'm having a hard time right now and I am so upset that I FEEL THIS WAY. Wouldn't it be so much easier not to care? I thought I had shit under control - boy oh boy was I wrong.
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