When and Why Does the Courtship End?

This is something that has been on my mind a lot lately. At what point do you stop trying to impress each other? Is there something wrong with knowing exactly what the other person is going to say in response to something you say... so you just don't bother saying it?

My husband Steve and I have been together for 10 years. Most of that time has been great; we are very compatible and don't argue much, and he has a dry wit that usually can lighten my very dramatic moods. But like every couple, we have rough spots. And what I like to call "anti-rough" spots - phases where we are not really fighting, per se, but it seems that we are more like roommates than lovers.

I started dating my husband in the devastating aftermath of another relationship that had gone as far south as relationships can go. This is someone I thought I was going to marry and spend the rest of my life with, and I was completely emotionally destroyed when it didn't work out. That's not to say that Steve was a rebound, because the fact of the matter is that the previous relationship had been over for more than a year. I was just still in a very delicate place and had not been dating much. (A twist in the story is that the ex and Steve are very good friends; they grew up together and ran around together throughout most of their teens and 20's. They even have the same birthday. A second twist in the story is that Steve used to date my best friend; the four of us hung around together all the time during this period. A third twist is that we are now all still friends. The fourth twist is that... nah just joking!)

I thought he was exactly the balm for my sore heart; the ex was one of those overly funny and vivacious charmers who always knew exactly what to say to people to make them feel good and laugh. People love having him around... especially female people. I'm sure you can guess what led to my broken heart. Beyond that, though, it seemed that the ex and I had *too much* in common and our fiery personalities would lead to some of the most dramatic fights ever. There was a certain degree of psychological manipulation that he was successful at, as well. There were times when I was so screwed up in the head that I actually thought I deserved to be treated as crappy I was being treated. Like the old Offspring song says (which incidentally was seeing a lot of radio play at the time of this relationship); "the more you suffer, the more it shows you really care".

Anyway, the man who was to become my husband is the polar opposite; he's very practical and down to earth, a much more quiet personality and doesn't call too much attention to himself. He's really funny as well; he just has more of a dry humor that is a little more intelligent and less showy. He is also extremely reticent in showing his feelings. For example, we had been together for over a year when he finally told me he loved me. What's more, it was only in response to my question, "do you love me? Why don't you tell me? Say it!"

We dated for a year and a half before we moved in together. The only reason I got him to move in together was because I broke up with him and started dating someone else. I'd like to say he started missing me but the opposite was true... and we made up and made this decision.

Then we lived together for four years before I got pregnant. At this point I knew that this arrangement was permanent. The entire pregnancy, I kept thinking he was going to propose. I thought he would propose at Christmas.. no. Lindsay was born in March, so I thought he would propose on my birthday in April.. no. Finally I said, "You know what we should do? We should just get married."

At the time I really didn't care that he didn't actually propose because I was getting what I wanted. Now, however, it bothers me more and more. Of course he *says* that he was going to propose, he was just a little nervous about it. About proposing to someone that he's been sharing closet space with for five years. hmmm.

Anyway, these days it seems that the things that were originally great about Steve are now the things that cause me heartache. But why? Why am I so selfish? He never was a sweet talker, so why should I expect him to be one now? He was never the romantic type, so why would he be now? Not that there is really anything *wrong* or even unlikable about him - he's reliable, successful, still cute and he's a FANTASTIC daddy. He even does dishes and cooks. But my personality really craves drama and passion... and I'm not sure he even finds me attractive.

Anyway, this post has gone on much longer and become much more maudlin than my original intent. I meant to simply question when and where the "fire"goes out and why it seems to continue burning for some couples and not others. I always thought that when I did tie the knot, it would be one of those Great Loves... Bogie and Bacall, John and Yoko type stuff.

So why does the courtship have to end? Wouldn't you think that since that person has become the most important thing in your life.. you should spend all your waking energy trying to impress that person? After all, you had a legal ceremony telling the world how they were your very favorite person out of all the people you've ever met. Shouldn't there be an expectation of flirting, affection and - yes, I dare say it - passion?