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Every single moment of recovery is heavy with the threat of relapse.

Dreams

I don’t sleep much, or well, and when I do, I dream. I dream a lot. And even the good dreams are sad.

I dream about my demons. I dream about running away from this giant cloud/monster/villian of Depression; or at least trying to. Its too big. Its faster than me because its the size of a city block. Its like trying to outrun the weather. When it catches me I scream my head off at it and defiantly yell out why it can’t have me but it just grins its huge toothy scary grin and pins my arms to my sides. Nobody can hear me scream when I’m stuck like that. Nobody can see me struggling like Fay Wray. What’s more, nobody is concerned.

I dream about perpetually being on the verge of drowning. The water is always just above chin level and I can’t swim. There’s no escape from this room that slowly and noisily continues to fill with water. I panic a lot in my dreams.

I dream about being normal. I dream about eating a donut without fear. I dream I CAN run - my arms and legs and knees function correctly, and there’s no falling down for no reason, and my back doesn’t scream at me, and I can run across a field for no reason other than to be free. I dream about spending a whole day out and about without having any bathroom emergencies or “I need to hide before I freak out” episodes. I dream about loving and being loved and having relationships that don’t hinge upon how much of my illnesses the other person can handle. I dream about not being lonely. I dream about getting some sleep, and getting a hug, and smiling. I dream about not crying. I dream about not being alone.

I dream about the sweet oblivion relief of death. 

But to be honest, I live with these dreams when I’m awake. They don’t really wait for me to sleep. I don't sleep much.

And that's the magic number

The secret is not to chase after butterflies but to take care of the garden, so that the butterflies will come to you. In the end, you will find not what you were looking for, but what was looking for you. ~ Mario Quintana

Life...

is not fair. If you go in thinking it should be, or will be, or even might be, you're going to be disappointed. Life is hard. It’s a series of boring moments and disappointments peppered by near-escapes and horrific nightmares and if you're lucky, a little fun and a little happy. Horrible things happen to wonderful people, for no reason except that it has to happen to somebody.

But in life there are also flowers, and hugs, and kittens. There are kisses from babies and vodka tonics and fresh baked bread. There is the thrill of a hand-written thank you card, or the sweetness of a phone call from a loved one. There is the magic of a smile. There is the sun that stubbornly continues to come up every single morning, to tell us, “Well, dammit, let’s try this again."

There is also hope. The hope that tomorrow will be better. The hope that inside of each of us there is the strength to carry on, and work harder, and overcome. We create attachments to people, to things, to pets. We suffer through the end of those relationships. We try again and again. And we lose again and again. And keep trying, in the name of hope.

There is also love. Love stings and bites and claws but also accepts and comforts and heals and redeems. Love can bring you down or lift you up, it can change the world or change your day. It’s the most important thing there is, be it the gentle love of a mother, or the sensual tingle of a lover’s touch, or the fine sturdy love that is friendship.

We are given the choice to love or hate. We are given the choice to hope or despair. We are capable of choosing which direction we want to turn.

When the story of your life is written, please don’t let it be a sad one. There is always hope, and love.

Snippets from "He's Just Not That Into You"

Cut your losses and don't waste your time . Why stay in some weird dating limbo when you can move on to what will surely be better territory? Don't want to hear it? Fine. Here's the answer you're looking for, "Hang in there, baby. He's not the loser everybody's telling you he is. If you wait and keep your mouth shut and call at exactly the right time and anticipate his moods and have no expectations about communication or your own sexual needs, you can have him!" But please don't be surprised if he dumps you or continues to drag you through a completely unsatisfying relationship.

He is a man made up entirely of your excuses. And the minute you stop making excuses for him, he will completely disappear from your life.

Men, for the most part, like to pursue women. We (men) like not knowing if we can catch you. We feel rewarded when we do.

Don't let the "honeys" and the "babys" fool you. His sweet nothings are exactly that. They are much easier to say than "I'm just not that into you." Remember, actions speak louder than, "There's no cell reception where I am right now."

[Doing what you say you will] is the very first brick in the house you are building of love and trust. If he can't lay this one stupid brick down, you ain't never gonna have a house, baby. And it's cold outside.

He will always be able to play the "friend" card on you. He only has to be responsible for the expectations of a friend, rather than the the far greater expectations of a boyfriend. He's got the ultimate situation: a great friend with all the benefits of a girlfriend, whom he can see or not see whenever he wants to. He may be one of your closest friends, but I'm sorry to say ... as a boyfriend, he's just not that into you.

I don't want to be "sort of dating" someone. I don't want to be "kinda hanging out" with someone. I don't want to spend a lot of energy suppressing my feelings so I appear uninvolved. I want to be involved. I want to be sleeping with someone I know I'll see again because they've already demonstarted to me that they're trustworthy and honorable -- and into me.

Don't be flattered that he misses you. He should miss you. You're deeply missable. ... Remember, the only reason he can miss you is because he's choosing, every day, not to be with you.

It's very tempting when you really want to be with someone to settle for much, much less -- even a vague pathetic facsimile of less -- than you would have ever imagined. Remember always what you set out to get and please don't settle for less. These guys exist because there are a lot of women out there who allow them to.

It's not that he's so into you. It's that he's so not into being alone.

Cut him off. Let him miss you.

He doesn't need to be reminded that you're great.

There's a guy out there who's going to be really happy that you didn't get back together with your crappy ex-boyfriend.

No matter how powerful and real your feelings may be for someone, if that person cannot fully and honestly return them and therefore actively love you back, these feelings mean nothing.

Being lonely ... being alone ... for many people ... sucks. I get it, I get it, I get it. But still I have to say that yes, my belief is that being with somebody who makes you feel shitty or doesn't honor the person you are is worse.

Life is hard enough as it is without choosing someone difficult to share it with.

You deserve to be with someone who is nice to you all the time.

In Which I Wax Melancholic and Philosophical About Change

I am taken aback by the power of my sad. I didn't think it would bother me so much, just another thing to get through, and on some level that's still true. But I'm sad because in a way its the end of an era.

So I begin to think (Be Afraid)... and I realize that life is really nothing more than a series of events, good or bad, that need to be either relished or survived.. There is no "end" or "beginning", there is only... "next". We need to accept that which we cannot change and live on with the different, whether we are happy about it or not.

We can't live our lives in the mindset of "when things settle down" or "when we can afford it" or "when I get a chance", or "someday we will", etc. It has to be either "do" or "do not", otherwise the choice to not choose becomes the choice to not do.

How good we can be to each other in the time we are allotted? How polite can we be, how tender can we be to each other while we learn our lessons about ourselves? What happiness can we seize while we can? Because the chance may not come again. Everything changes.

Things change. They always do, it's one of the things of nature. Most people are afraid of change, but if you look at it as something you can always count on, then it can be a comfort. (Clint Eastwood said that in Bridges of Madison County.)