Now what?

I go about my business every day; that’s what They tell you to do. They are people who think they are in a position to tell you how to deal with depression; They are mentally well; They aren’t depressed. They have read books and written papers and taken tests and They spew pithy advice full of words like “mindfulness” and “positivism”.

They like to say things like, “you have ___ to live for.” No, clearly I don’t have that to live for, if I don’t want to live for it. They don’t understand; They are not really listening. They are not depressed.

 I’m at the store, the library, the gas station, and all I can think is “Why can’t anyone see? Why can’t they see the despair on my face and in my actions. Why can’t they see the cracks in my soul?”

 The answer is that I have become such a pro at hiding it that it doesn’t show through. I have more years of pretending everything is okay than I have years of everything being okay. They say you can’t do it alone and yet They are not there when you finally break down and admit you need help. There isn’t help. They think saying things like “pull yourself up” and “snap out of it” are helping. Wow, ‘snap out of it’? Why didn’t I think of that on my own?? What excellent advice!

 I am so skilled at hiding it that even after being hospitalized for depression I get no more than “you feel better now, right?” from Them. And so I continue to hide it. I’m told “you can’t do this alone”, followed by “you have to figure this out for yourself”. I’m told its not my fault I’m sick followed by “you have to choose not to be sick”. That’s why its impossible to ask Them for help.

 Yes it gets better. It always gets better. Then it gets worse again. Every bout is worse than the bout before, and the last one nearly killed me. Tell me why I don’t just let this one finish the job? Their reasons aren’t resonating with me. They aren’t depressed. They don’t understand.