1. denial
2. depression
3. anger
4. acceptance
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Tuesday, February 09, 2010
The Like Factor
So since I’m not your everything
How about I be nothing
Nothing to you at all
It occurs to me that 95% percent of relationship problems are caused by the two parties not having the same degree of regard for each other. No really, think about it. She wants him to talk to her like a girlfriend and is hurt that he won’t. He wants to watch the game and is upset that she doesn’t respect that. See? They’re focused on their own wants and not so much on each others. And that’s in relationships that “work”.
Relationships that don’t “work” have the same problem but to a more extreme degree. One person likes the other more. I’ve put hours of research (okay I’ve just been obsessing about it mentally for the last two months or so, but still) into the topic and I’ve boiled it down to that simple statement. People break up because one person didn’t like the other one as much. Think about what goes along with that – the non-liker stops calling, stops coming around, stops talking to the liker… the liker gets hurt, tries harder – the non-liker gets annoyed (because remember, they don’t like the liker as much as the liker likes them) and becomes more scarce. Maybe even finds someone else to like. Oh this shit is hard.
Those of you that know me personally know that I’m having a rather traumatic break up at the moment. And there are many issues, millions of things that led to it. Opposing personalities, different backgrounds and points of view, different priorities. Miscommunications and missed chances and “if onlys” and OMGWTF else. But I can still boil it down to that much. He didn’t like me as much as I like him. Oh, I tried. Head over heels crazy about this one. He's smart, funny, sexy, kind to children and animals, holds down a good job that he is well respected at and generally looks like an excellent catch on paper.
But he didn’t like me as much as I like him. He didn’t want to be together at every chance. He didn’t want to talk for hours on the phone (though in his defense – I understand that about some people. I don’t necessarily like to either. I don’t have that much to say). But in my defense – part of what I fell in love with about him was that he wanted to talk to me all the time. I didn’t understand why that went away. I didn’t understand why I would drive across town twice a week to his house but it was too far for him to drive to mine. I didn’t understand why it was so hard for him to tell girls flirting with him that he had a girlfriend and she was being disrespectful to that. Well the answer is that he just didn’t like me as much as I like him.
Where the hell is the line between trying to make it work and being a doormat?
Yanno what really chaps my hide? I’m rarely the liker. I value my independence. I don’t like being expected to be somewhere. I don’t like being “owned” or controlled, or expected to give up time with my friends. This time I was ready and willing to do the right “girlfriend” things, devote my time to him alone, turn a blind eye and a deaf ear to other males. Maybe this is Karma’s way of telling me to get down off my high horse. That I ain’t all that and I need to learn to be kinder to people. Or maybe there was something else I could have done to make it work. Or not done. Or…?
Or maybe I just made an error in judgment.
I know I’m not so good at the relationship thing. But I tried.
Who the hell knows. All I know for sure is that this shit sucks.
How about I be nothing
Nothing to you at all
--- Beyonce
It occurs to me that 95% percent of relationship problems are caused by the two parties not having the same degree of regard for each other. No really, think about it. She wants him to talk to her like a girlfriend and is hurt that he won’t. He wants to watch the game and is upset that she doesn’t respect that. See? They’re focused on their own wants and not so much on each others. And that’s in relationships that “work”.
Relationships that don’t “work” have the same problem but to a more extreme degree. One person likes the other more. I’ve put hours of research (okay I’ve just been obsessing about it mentally for the last two months or so, but still) into the topic and I’ve boiled it down to that simple statement. People break up because one person didn’t like the other one as much. Think about what goes along with that – the non-liker stops calling, stops coming around, stops talking to the liker… the liker gets hurt, tries harder – the non-liker gets annoyed (because remember, they don’t like the liker as much as the liker likes them) and becomes more scarce. Maybe even finds someone else to like. Oh this shit is hard.
Those of you that know me personally know that I’m having a rather traumatic break up at the moment. And there are many issues, millions of things that led to it. Opposing personalities, different backgrounds and points of view, different priorities. Miscommunications and missed chances and “if onlys” and OMGWTF else. But I can still boil it down to that much. He didn’t like me as much as I like him. Oh, I tried. Head over heels crazy about this one. He's smart, funny, sexy, kind to children and animals, holds down a good job that he is well respected at and generally looks like an excellent catch on paper.
But he didn’t like me as much as I like him. He didn’t want to be together at every chance. He didn’t want to talk for hours on the phone (though in his defense – I understand that about some people. I don’t necessarily like to either. I don’t have that much to say). But in my defense – part of what I fell in love with about him was that he wanted to talk to me all the time. I didn’t understand why that went away. I didn’t understand why I would drive across town twice a week to his house but it was too far for him to drive to mine. I didn’t understand why it was so hard for him to tell girls flirting with him that he had a girlfriend and she was being disrespectful to that. Well the answer is that he just didn’t like me as much as I like him.
Where the hell is the line between trying to make it work and being a doormat?
Yanno what really chaps my hide? I’m rarely the liker. I value my independence. I don’t like being expected to be somewhere. I don’t like being “owned” or controlled, or expected to give up time with my friends. This time I was ready and willing to do the right “girlfriend” things, devote my time to him alone, turn a blind eye and a deaf ear to other males. Maybe this is Karma’s way of telling me to get down off my high horse. That I ain’t all that and I need to learn to be kinder to people. Or maybe there was something else I could have done to make it work. Or not done. Or…?
Or maybe I just made an error in judgment.
I know I’m not so good at the relationship thing. But I tried.
Who the hell knows. All I know for sure is that this shit sucks.
Friday, January 29, 2010
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
I Cry for You, California
So many of you know that the California Supreme Court has upheld Proposition 8, which essentially tells same-sex couples that they cannot marry. I don't want to get into the wherewithals of the reasons behind the decision, because I do understand that there were other implications involved. I want to talk about my feelings, of course.
I'm saddened, obviously, because Prop 8 from its very inception is nothing but a clear-cut case of bigotry, but also for a more basic reason.
Love.
The state of California has (again) screamed to the rest of the country (world) that you are not allowed to love who you want around here. Has told us that we just can't have people running around willy-nilly, choosing who to fall in love with, wanting to take care of another person for the rest of their lives & devoting the rest of your life to making another person happy. Not without passing the physical. No way, we'd have way too many happy people around, and we certainly can't have that. We need to make it as difficult as possible for anyone "different".
As somebody with so much difficulty with relationships in the past, I simply cannot get my head around why any person/entity/organization would want to deny any person/entity/organization the freedom to love freely who they wish. My marriage was between a man and a woman and so therefore legal. And now over. Good thing we didn't let gays and lesbians marry here in Colorado - would have completely destroyed the sanctity of THAT blessed union.
I'm sad because in a world that is clearly in need of more love, ANYONE has the cojones to try to tell ANYONE who to love. I'm sad because last time I checked, it clearly had a bit about "the pursuit of happiness" in the Constitution, and I'm sad because the Jesus I met in Sunday School when I was a kid had a lot to say about spreading love to EVERYONE, not just people that are the same as you.
Please, people. Love is a beautiful thing. Period.
I'm saddened, obviously, because Prop 8 from its very inception is nothing but a clear-cut case of bigotry, but also for a more basic reason.
Love.
The state of California has (again) screamed to the rest of the country (world) that you are not allowed to love who you want around here. Has told us that we just can't have people running around willy-nilly, choosing who to fall in love with, wanting to take care of another person for the rest of their lives & devoting the rest of your life to making another person happy. Not without passing the physical. No way, we'd have way too many happy people around, and we certainly can't have that. We need to make it as difficult as possible for anyone "different".
As somebody with so much difficulty with relationships in the past, I simply cannot get my head around why any person/entity/organization would want to deny any person/entity/organization the freedom to love freely who they wish. My marriage was between a man and a woman and so therefore legal. And now over. Good thing we didn't let gays and lesbians marry here in Colorado - would have completely destroyed the sanctity of THAT blessed union.
I'm sad because in a world that is clearly in need of more love, ANYONE has the cojones to try to tell ANYONE who to love. I'm sad because last time I checked, it clearly had a bit about "the pursuit of happiness" in the Constitution, and I'm sad because the Jesus I met in Sunday School when I was a kid had a lot to say about spreading love to EVERYONE, not just people that are the same as you.
Please, people. Love is a beautiful thing. Period.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
The Tao of Dude
This is an absolutely true, almost word for word account of a real conversation I had with the boy on the way to school today. Seriously, I can't make this stuff up.
Dude: Mom, I can't decide what I want to be when I grow up. There are three things I want to be.
Mom: Really, what are they?
Dude: Well one is a geographer.
Mom: A geographer?
Dude: Yes, cuz I'm really really good at taking pictures.
Mom: oh, you mean a photographer.
Dude: yes, a pheographer -
Mom: ....
Dude: - I want to be a pheographer and take lots of pictures. Because I like that. I also want to be a police man, cuz I'm really good at talking on the walkie talkie -
Mom: ...
Dude: - and a policeman has to do that all day long. I also want to be a scientist because I'm really smart.
Mom: oh, you are?
Dude: yes, I'm really smart. So I can't decide which one I want to be.
Mom: Why don't you be all three?
Dude: No, that would be too much work. And when I grow up I want to have a dog and a cat and they will miss me too much, I will need to be there to take care of them.
Mom: okay.
Dude: Oh, and you know how you call Poo a bear and me a monkey? Well, it's a really good thing that we're not really animals, and you are just joking about that.
Mom: uh, okay, why?
Dude: Because then we wouldn't be able to go swimming at Daddy's condo. Because they don't allow any pets in the place where they keep the pool. So it's a good thing that in real life, we're really people.
Mom: I see.
Dude: Mom, I can't decide what I want to be when I grow up. There are three things I want to be.
Mom: Really, what are they?
Dude: Well one is a geographer.
Mom: A geographer?
Dude: Yes, cuz I'm really really good at taking pictures.
Mom: oh, you mean a photographer.
Dude: yes, a pheographer -
Mom: ....
Dude: - I want to be a pheographer and take lots of pictures. Because I like that. I also want to be a police man, cuz I'm really good at talking on the walkie talkie -
Mom: ...
Dude: - and a policeman has to do that all day long. I also want to be a scientist because I'm really smart.
Mom: oh, you are?
Dude: yes, I'm really smart. So I can't decide which one I want to be.
Mom: Why don't you be all three?
Dude: No, that would be too much work. And when I grow up I want to have a dog and a cat and they will miss me too much, I will need to be there to take care of them.
Mom: okay.
Dude: Oh, and you know how you call Poo a bear and me a monkey? Well, it's a really good thing that we're not really animals, and you are just joking about that.
Mom: uh, okay, why?
Dude: Because then we wouldn't be able to go swimming at Daddy's condo. Because they don't allow any pets in the place where they keep the pool. So it's a good thing that in real life, we're really people.
Mom: I see.
Friday, February 13, 2009
OKAY FINE!!! Here are my 25 things about me!! Now everyone stop telling me to do it...
2. I read and read and read. I’m a huge believer that reading makes you smarter. Doesn’t matter what you read.
3. When people ask me what I do for a living I always feel like it is so pompous to say “I’m a marketing consultant”. The problem is I also feel like it is pompous to say “I’m a writer” or “I’m an event planner”. Though recently I've been able to say "I'm unemployed", which is not pompous at all.
4. I’m still trying to decide what I want to be when I grow up.
5. I ask little kids what they want to be when they grow up, looking for inspiration.
6. I think a lot of people are a lot more racist than they think they are, and its incredibly sad.
7. I don’t think I ever believed in Santa Claus, but I wanted to.
8. I believe there is real power behind Voodoo and Astrology.
9. I’ve never been outside the US. I don’t even have a passport, which is depressing since I’m not getting any younger.
10. I have, however, been to D.C. on more than one occasion, which is a lot like visiting another planet.
11. I strongly believe that life offers us two great gifts: time, and the ability to choose how we spend it.
12. I strongly believe EVERYONE has the power to choose how to lead their own life.
13. Nobody ever seems to believe me when I tell them I don’t really watch TV. It’s true.
14. I do watch a ton of DVDs though.
15. Two years ago I lost 35 lbs and have kept it off.
16. I’m 34 years old and I’m in the best shape of my life. And I don’t even own a Bowflex.
17. I work out almost every day.
18. I don’t like onions.
19. I love tomatoes.
20. It took me forever to come out of the closet, but today I have a healthy, open love for all things geeky.
21. I LOATHE talking on the phone. I’m not sure why, I like to talk to people. I’d seriously rather text or email than talk on the phone though.
22. I think the most important lesson I’ve learned in my life is to pick my battles.
23. I’ve definitely mellowed with age.
24. All I really want to do is have fun and laugh. Life is wayyyyy too short.
25. I can drink a 12 pack of beer by myself. Without falling down. Seriously.
26. I’m a huge smartass, and I don’t like doing as I’m told. Which is why there are 26 items on my list.
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