Wow

That was unexpectedly harsh, hurtful and hateful.

Untitled

So... its been slightly over a month. And its still hard. In fact I think its getting harder instead of easier. And I don't know what to do about that. And I haven't been able to reconcile the reasons I did it with the reasons I shouldn't have. Brain says one thing, heart says another. Its a little like trying to balance your checkbook when you have the sneaking suspicion that you made quite a few purchases that you forgot to write down and didn't keep the receipt.

I switched purses today - decided to use one I used last summer just cuz its cool red patent leather. Found a seashell in it from the trip to Florida. Sorta lost it.

Found the shirt I bought in Kona that was meant to be a gift. A gift I never got the chance to give. Sorta lost it again.

Random flashbacks arrive uninvited. Yeah, they make me lose it too.

Trying not to look at pictures. Been mostly successful with that... but I can't control what gets played on the radio, or what other people unknowingly say... that really sets me back.

Talked to a mutual friend today. He had bad news that made me feel like ralphing. What can I do about that?

Taylor Swift says, "Cause when you're fifteen and someone tells you they love you, you're gonna believe them". Well you're gonna believe it when you're 35 (oops I mean 29) too. Its something we crave so we want to believe it.

What am I supposed to do? What will make it better? What will help?

Does it matter?

I recognize these are all incredibly disjointed thoughts. I don't care.

I have a wonderful group of friends that are trying their hardest to help me... letting me know I am still loved, I'm still important, and I'm still worth it... somehow...

Would it matter to you if I said I can't sleep, I can't eat, and I can't stop obsessing over it? If I told you I can't live without you would it matter? It didn't matter when I was yours, would it matter now? Does it make a difference to tell you that you were my everything, that I accepted the crumbs you gave me because it was better than nothing? If I said I've always known you were the one would it make a grain of difference? If I said I miss you so much its like being kicked in the stomach, would that mean anything to you?

But if I called what would I say? "Oh hai, remember me?"

Time heals all wounds... I just need more time?

I don't know.

Its very hard. I cry. I think about nothing else.

What do you think about?