Insurance Only Pays Half

So last Tuesday I spent two and a half hours being held down in a chair by a couple wearing masks and latex. They had me at their mercy and told me to do things like "open wide", "wider", "now bite down", and "clench" while brandishing an astonishing collection of scary metal instruments. Then at the end of the session they charged me $300.00.

I walked out of there sweating and numb and frankly, I'll never be the same. Apparently I liked it, though, because I made an appointment to be back in two weeks for another session. They're nice people, though, despite the fact that they chose to take up dentistry as a living.

The problem with dentists is that most people only go when they have a problem. And then the visit is exponentially worse than it would have been if you'd gone regularly. I have three kids and I hadn't taken myself to the dentist since my oldest was a baby - 14 years ago. At that time I had had a crown started; they put a temporary one in and I was supposed to return in two weeks to get a porcelain one put in. Of course, at that time I literally didn't have two nickels to rub together, and of course I had no insurance, and of course my ex more than likely missed one or multiple child support payments, so the plan was shot to hell and I never had the chance to go back for the good crown.

Fast forward 14 years, I get married, buy a house, have two more kids, and now my oldest has an immensely expensive amount of orthodonture going on in her mouth, so during all that time my personal dentistry issues got pushed to the side. So for 14 years, I'd been carrying around in my mouth a temporary silver crown meant to last two weeks.

About a month ago, said crown started to really bother me whenever I ate chocolate, and we know that THAT SHIT WON'T FLY. Snickers are right up there with air and water for me, so I decided to just make the move and take myself to the chair to put myself out of my misery.

My first visit was actually all right... the dentist had nothing but glowing compliments about the state of my teeth. He said that people who haven't been in for five years have worse buildup than I did (did I mention that it had been 14 years?) and it was all due to my exemplary home care.

Now, I don't wanna brag (too much), but I am rather anal about my teeth. (Never ever thought I'd write the words "anal" and "teeth" in the same sentence, but I digress.) It drives me nuts when I have stuff stuck in them and I really truly do floss at least three times a week. As Dooce says, it's not cleanliness, it's suffering from mental illness (sorry, another digression). I had a friend in college that was studying to be a dental hygienist and she once told me that you could not ever brush your teeth and just floss and your teeth would be in better shape than if you brushed three times a day and never flossed. (Though you probably would have a ton of cack on your tongue...)

So where was I? Oh yes. Well, people in my family have pretty good teeth... my dad at 60 still looks like a toothpaste commercial. So I was feeling good about the fact that even though I usually don't know what the hell my kids are thinking when they do those things, or how to deal with a 15 year old girl that is nothing like me at that age, or why the hell my husband is so OBVIOUSLY from Mars when I am so OBVIOUSLY from Venus (would it KILL him to say "you look PRETTY" instead of "you look fine"?! Though obviously a "hot babe" wouldn't hurt...), and I usually have no idea what's going on at work... well, dammit, all those things are just gonna have to take a back seat to the fact that I will have all my own teeth when I'm a senior citizen.

Despite their health, I did have a minor issue with an extra incisor in my mouth. This guy was really, truly extra, and I'd had it in my mouth since my permanent teeth grew in. I was supposed to get braces on the bottom, but again, there was that pesky issue with the money and insurance... anyway I never got braces and I walked around with an extra tooth crowding out the teeth that belonged. So at my first visit Dr. Dentist pulled that tooth.

Which I thought was no big deal.... but OH MY GOD, HAVE YOU EVER HAD A PERFECTLY HEALTHY TOOTH PULLED? OH MY GOD. OH MY GOD. There was not enough local anesthetic in that office to dull the pain and let's face it: I've had three kids - I AM NOT A WIMP. I have a perfectly normal perspective on pain, and in fact I'm one of those people that are not afraid of shots because, really, they don't hurt. If anything, I'd say I have a higher threshold for pain than most folks.

So after that, Dr. Dentist gave me a prescription for Vicodin, which was supposed to last for two weeks. I'm not ashamed to tell you that it was gone in three days. But of course some of that might have been my predisposition towards that funny, relaxed, light headed and euphoric feeling that can only be found through the use of prescription painkillers... When my last baby was born, the OB-GYN gave me Percoset... and let me tell you, if there is anything better than having sex while eating chocolate, drinking vodka martinis and getting a pedicure and scalp massage at the same time... its Percoset. Especially if you wash it down with a couple vodka tonics. Which really explains why I stopped breastfeeding my son at three weeks when I had nursed his sisters until they were six months old.

So I digressed again. Now that you think I'm Elvis in the 70's, I'll go back to the dentist story. Had the tooth pulled, it was pain in a form you can't imagine in this life, and then I had to make an appointment to commence the work on the crown. That is where I am right now. They took the old temporary off, fixed up the poor nub of a tooth underneath, fitted a fresh stainless steel temporary one and took molds for a really real porcelain crown, which I'll have put on in about two weeks. No more problems. ~crossing fingers~

Overheard

"I'm having a horrible day."

"I'm sorry to hear that. Do you want to talk about it?"

"Not really."

"Quack!"

"Did you just quack at me?"

"Yes, yes I did."

"..."

"Did it echo?"

A Disturbance in My Pants

If you watch the Nickelodeon cartoon “Jimmy Neutron”, you might have seen the episode where Jimmy ingeniously devises pants that put themselves away. Of course, since it’s a cartoon, the invention goes horribly awry and the pants start thinking and acting for themselves. There is a scene where Jimmy’s pants are starting to act up; he’s in school and runs to the front of the room exclaiming, “There seems to be a disturbance in my pants!”.

A friend and I were discussing this episode and he told me about the list of phrases in the Star Wars movies that can be improved by substituting the word “pants” for key words. Being as adept at Google as I am, I quickly looked up the list and viola! Here it is for everyone’s enjoyment!

25 Lines from Star Wars

That can be improved by substituting the word “Pants”

1. A tremor in the pants. The last time I felt this was in the presence of my old master.
2. You are unwise to lower your pants.
3. We’ve got to be able to get some reading on those pants, up or down.
4. She must have hidden the plans in her pants. Send a detachment down to retrieve them. See to it personally, Commander.
5. These pants may not look like much, kid, but they’ve got it where it counts.
6. I find your lack of pants disturbing.
7. These pants contain the ultimate power in the universe. I suggest we use it.
8. Han will have those pants down. We’ve got to give him more time!
9. General Veers, prepare your pants for a surface assault.
10. I used to bulls-eye womp-rats in my pants back home.
11. TK-421, why aren’t you in your pants?
12. Lock the door. And hope they don’t have pants!
13. Governor Tarkin, I recognized your foul pants when I was brought aboard.
14. You don’t look strong enough to pull the pants off a Gundark
15. Luke…help me take…these pants off.
16. Great, Chewie, great. Always thinking with your pants.
17. That blast came from those pants. That thing’s operational!
18. Don’t worry. Chewie and I have gotten into a lot of pants more heavily guarded than this.
19. Maybe you’d like it back in your pants, Your Highness.
20. Your pants betray you. Your feelings for them are strong – especially for your sister!
21. Jabba doesn’t have time for smugglers who drop their pants at the first sign of an Imperial Cruiser.
22. Yeah, well, short pants is better than no pants at all, Chewie.
23. Attention: This is Lando Calrisian. The Empire has taken control of my pants; I advise everyone to leave before more troops arrive.
24. I cannot teach him. The boy has no pants.
25. You came in those pants? You’re braver than I thought!